Tired from chasing for the purpose I want

I can’t believe it has been over 3 months since I sat down and wrote a blog post. So tonight I am taking the time to just write down my thoughts and not edit the post before I publish it. Writing used to be something I do regularly to relax. Instead of watching Netflix, scrolling through Instagram or read, I would write. But in the past months, the semester project for my Master studies, new clients of our agency and writing for work took all the creative energy, and I just enjoyed writing longer Instagram captions every now and then. Or not write at all and just look at memes to do something brainless. But to be honest, I miss writing. It used to be so effortless for me to find time to do what I love, for myself, not for educational purposes or for a job.

I have to say that ever since I started to pursue my own thing, I have been the most exhausted I have ever been. Maybe it is because I am adulting now. Or because I wanted too much at the same time, and didn’t wait till I graduate my Master before moving to another country and start an agency from scratch, with my best friend, who is also not that familiar with the place. So the time and effort and energy that we spend into figuring out our lives here was definitely way more than expected.

Today I felt like writing because, on my way to dinner, I happen to pass the old apartment where Rachel and I moved in last year, and where we luckily moved away just 3-4 months ago. As I passed by the place today, I remembered the first day there. The day Cindy picked up the keys for us and the happy feeling when I first entered the apartment, after being stuck in the awful dorm in Beijing. As the weeks went by, the apartment got more and more horrible to live in. It started from bad isolation to water damage, molded rooms, and cockroach infestation. It was definitely not a place of comfort I needed when I could escape from Beijing. And eventually, 70% of the apartment was unlivable and Rachel and I had to share a basement room this summer, with only one double bed and a blanket, hunting down cockroaches before bedtime. Life wasn’t glamorous and there were days we sat in the room and didn’t feel like we are going anywhere in life. As I passed by that place tonight, I remembered how motivated we were when we moved back to Taipei in the end of 2018. And where we are now, one year later. We are luckily in a better apartment. Way way better apartment, that inspires me to work and get my shit done. A place which is bright and central and in my opinion, its in the best area in Taipei. We got a work permit and visa, got chosen from the government for their soft-landing program and have a sponsored office and meeting space. Life is how we imagined it would be. Great apartment, working and living with your best friend, going out to eat and party sometimes.

If you would meet us today, and visit our home, you’d think we are doing pretty well. Which we really are. I am really grateful to wake up in a place I like to live, that feels like a proper home, with my best friend next door, a nice kitchen to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and a gym just a few minutes away.

But on the other hand, if you would ask me how I feel, I would say that I don’t think I have cried as much as I did the past 2 or 3 years. Not only because of loneliness or unhappiness, but merely out of exhaustion, frustration and the overwhelming fear of being lost or on the wrong paths. I should and am feeling privileged and grateful to be able to be tired of something I want (or need) to do to feel fulfilled. But to be in that phase and to get hit by one challenge after another for two, three years now and without a real break, makes you feel so, so tired. And really lonely if your family isn’t even around and you spend holidays.. on your laptop working or finishing a report you have been postponing. It sucks.

So, being tired doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t feel grateful or motivated anymore. It’s a weird split I wasn’t aware of until I found myself in it. I am happy where I am right now, physically and emotionally. I have grown a lot from just a year or two years ago. I make choices that are more beneficial in my life. So somewhere, all my tears and effort were really worth it. Because all the rejected apartments, the rejection from start-up incubators that didn’t believe in our idea, the loss of rude clients, the guy I thought was decent or the friends I was disappointed and felt let down by – they were all not meant to stay in my life for a reason. And it took me some tears and frustration to accept and move on. To the next apartment viewing, to the next client meeting, to the next pitch in hopes to get a visa for Taiwan.. Everything moved on – but damn it drains the hell out of you. I don’t know if I would still be doing all of this if I didn’t have my best friend by my side. Because even if we reach the milestones, and we get what we aimed for, sitting in a great apartment after moving all our shit 5 floors up on our own, or holding a work permit in your hands while you feel like your battery has been going on 1% for months, just isn’t fulfilling anymore.

It feels scary and risky. Like you just made it. And as I walked passed the old apartment today, I knew we just made it out there in time. We got a little break but then other challenges took that little energy push away again. And then we just made it through that. It’s scary as hell to consider, how long we can maintain pursuing goals when I feel exhausted, frustrated and empty. But like every day, you gotta move on, organize your tasks, get them done and hope for good things to come, for small victories. And you go gym out the frustration and get some abs as a side effect.

I am glad I chose to give all this a try but I definitely have to be honest here and share the amount of stress and exhaustion I feel at this point. Its like I aged 10 years in just two years. And I am still nowhere near to where I wanted to be with 26, not with my experiences, my career, studies or relationships. So that honestly doesn’t comfort me but you learn as you go, and some things need longer to fall into place.
Thank you for reading – Merry Christmas and have a great start into 2020. I hope you are doing well and keep going, whatever it is what makes you think is worthwhile.

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