I shared this on my social media channels and wanted to put it on the blog as well. The past months have been difficult but this week on Monday, my check-up confirmed that both my tumors are benign, meaning not cancerous. I wasn’t ready to share this until now. I knew something was up after Beijing, and after my birthday, doctors found a tumor in my kidney and a smaller one in my liver. This honestly sucks cause the beginning of 2020, my family was devastated with the news that a family member has a growing tumor, the same spot. So now I had not one but two myself. I have been struggling to handle it, especially the wait for the follow-up check which was 6-8 weeks after – it felt like an eternity. Adding the global pandemic, other stressful things and that I couldn’t be with my family in Germany, it overwhelmed me. Both the first check-up and the follow-up, I went by myself cause no one should be dragged into a hospital rn. Both times, as I laid there alone with a doctor going over and over the same spot, taking ultrasound pictures and measuring the tumors, I was scared and felt defeated. The ultrasounds didn’t take more than 10-15 min but during that, I had to breathe in, hold it, turn this and that side, what felt like a million times. So I kept starring at the ultrasound screen to look at my tumors. This sentence feels insane to type out.. I shared my ups and downs with you all for years. I never sugarcoated anything or portrayed a picture-perfect life. Its been not easy the past years. The happy moments, the exhausted nighttime talks after a long day, my long Q&As, they’re all real, its what I felt -but the difference is that I had time to process everything and find the right words. Even now, I had 36 hours to process the good news and share this story with you. But in real life, I couldn’t always handle my fears and emotions, I let them take the best of me, I shut down or was overemotional. I always truly believed in fighting through everything & loving myself so much I find home within myself- but listen after the last few weeks, I think I cant. Bro, I wanted someone to just hold me, I needed a place of comfort, especially when I was in the examination room starring at that ultrasound.
I was definitely not a badass, I was a sadass. I am actively working on a balanced way to deal with whatever life will throw at me next. But in the past months, I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t okay, I couldn’t handle it on my own and honestly just wanted people to hug me. Which is ironic because everyone close to me knows I usually dislike hugs and cuddles, so yeah. The irony. Very few hugs for me but please, change this. Anyway, for me, life will always feel somewhat empty and lonely. Every challenge I overcome, makes me happy and grateful – until it hit me that there is an emptiness still, and no self-love will fill that hole. Never did. That’s my lesson to figure out. But if I wouldn’t have very very patient people in my life, I’d fallen into an even darker place. I want to thank you, and although I told most of you in person, I am always better with words in writing. I’m so grateful for the loving and caring people in Taipei, who share beautiful and happy moments with me – it gives me so much joy and energy. Especially @rache.au & her constant understanding and support. You saw me coming back from Beijing as a different person; still, you are always my partner in crime, every day. Thank you ❤️ I am also blessed for caring people who put me together from far away. @davidlu.jpg @xoxfendi @radwaanahmed @josephineholmp , I will never stop telling you how much I appreciate and love you. You always are protective, for every single hurdle life has put me through, you are there, you make me feel like I am good enough. I miss you all so much. @adam.chng who never even met me, but manage to calm me down when I couldn’t. For the past half-year, you helped me through moments that I couldn’t share with close friends. Thank you for your patience, understanding way, letting me rant, and for your words to make feel I am on top of things again.
Life hit me a bit harder for a while, let’s hope this is it for now. I am grateful to have my fam & caring people, to be healthy, to be okay again. Thank you for going through this with me, for your patience and selflessness to handle me at my worst and weakest moments ❤️ I wouldn’t be the same Tuni without you, thank you.
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